Music and the Ego
I suppose it’s obvious I’ve been going through some weird times with music over the last year. It started with some feelings of resentment and anger about deals that didn’t work out and promises not kept. I had become very wrapped up in the “business” side of things, although not in the sense of wanting to make money necessarily. I have had some extraordinarily good luck with getting to release my music on some reputable labels and I guess that sort of gave me some unrealistic expectations about how things would be. I felt like if I wasn’t able to continue releasing music regularly, that I would be a failure. I also felt that if my music wasn’t well received by “the scene”, then that would also make my efforts futile.
Needless to say, these kind of feelings were very dismaying. I was frustrated because it had become clear that my motivations for creating music weren’t as pure as I had tricked myself into thinking they were. I have always told myself that I wouldn’t care whether or not I achieved “success”. That it would be purely for the joy of it and nothing else. I mean, I knew that some part of me craved attention and even thought I deserved it. But I tried to suppress those thoughts and just focus on making music that I loved.
During the process of creating a track, I would start off just messing around, trying to come up with an idea. Once something started sounding good, I would have to fight off my ego. It would be there, whispering “yeah, this ones good, people are really going to be into this one. so-and-so is definitely going to release it and then the gigs will come pouring in…” I would just try to ignore all of that and focus on creating sounds that I really loved, that gave me a giddy feeling when I listened to them after spending hours and hours in the middle of the night tweaking and massaging them into the perfect arrangement. This process would go on for days or weeks sometimes, and many times I would be able to tune out my ego completely. I think that is when I’ve done my best work. Those are the moments I strive for, where its just pure creation according to my own sensibilities without any concern for how others will perceive my work.
But the in between times are when the demons come out and start to gnaw on me. I begin to feel insecure, searching for some positive reactions from friends or contacts with similar tastes. Many times, I would find the praise I was looking for from trusted sources, and this would lead to feelings of hopefulness. My ego would be soaring, and since everything was feeling great, I wouldn’t notice that I had let it back in, failed to shut out the monster. And then later on, when all of my hopes and dreams started to turn into expectations, which inevitably wouldn’t come to pass, I would fall into a deep funk of depression and feel completely worthless.
This cycle has repeated itself many times and I sometimes feel a little schizophrenic. I am starting to get better at recognizing the source for all of the pain and misery, which in turn leads me to just focus on creating, forgetting about everything else. I haven’t figured out how to put my work out in the world without my ego getting out of control yet, but I think the bandcamp release was the closest I have gotten. I truly didn’t expect much of a response to it, despite really loving every track on it. I was feeling like it wasn’t right to just quit with all of this work sitting around, never to be heard outside of a small group. I figured, what the hell, can’t hurt anything since my “career” is basically dead already. Might as well just put it out there and see what happens. I will admit, the decision was made hastily late at night, and my judgement may have been a little impaired. However, that gave me the benefit of not having time to over-think it. I don’t regret the decision one bit.
All of the kind, thoughtful responses and donations I got from individuals meant so much to me, way more than any “scene” response could of. It made me regret my decision to quit a little, although I was resolved to stick to it, lest I be seen as a provocateur that would attempt to create some big drama purely to gain more attention. Maybe there was some element of that in my decision, but it certainly wasn’t a conscious thought. I just felt that if making music were going to leave me feeling this poorly, then I wanted no part of it any longer.
Eventually, I started to miss the creative process very much, and I started to brainstorm about other ways to get my fix. I did a little writing, some photography, and spent more time in the mountains and ocean. I thought that with enough time, I would just forget about making music, that I would get over it much like I had gotten over lost loves in my past. And maybe its true that I would have. However, one day I just decided to sit down and see if I still had it in me. I’m not really sure why, it was probably just a spontaneous decision, or even just a lapse of discipline. Much like an addict finally caving in to the urge to have a cigarette or a drink. The old ego still reared its ugly head, but I was able to see it coming and avoided the old pitfalls a little better. With practice, I hope to be able to work past it altogether.
-
joycesudesign liked this
-
juswan posted this
